Tomorrow I turn 30, and so today I am reflecting upon what it means to me to be entering my thirties.
My girlfriends and I have talked A LOT about our impending thirties over the past few years. Mostly we talked about how FABULOUS they would be. We all agreed that our thirties would be far more fabulous than our twenties for a number of reasons. Mostly the consensus was the following:
1) We would be more financially set than we'd ever been. After having spent our twenties in school and establishing our career paths, our thirties would be all about reaping the benefits of thriving in those established careers and making more money than we'd ever made before.
2) With that money we would have a more lavish lifestyle than we'd ever had before. We would be the thinnest and fittest we'd ever been because we would be able to afford nice gyms and personal trainers. We would be able to afford better food, maybe even hire a chef to come cook healthy low-calorie meals for us once a week. We would be able to take vacations at least once a year, and we'd have the money to take nice vacations, to trade hostels for hotels.
3) We would all wear right hand diamonds. As our thirties approached and it was pretty clear that many of us were not going to be engaged or married, we traded in the dream of a left hand diamond for the dream of a right. A diamond we bought for ourselves for our thirtieth birthday, a diamond that represented all we had accomplished and our dedication to ourselves.
Clearly I will not be buying myself a right hand diamond. Clearly I can't afford a personal trainer or a chef. And clearly I traded in the dream of the wealth and stability my legal career might have provided in exchange for the uncertainty of following my dreams.
In short, I am not where I thought I would be at thirty.
I've never been set on the idea of having kids, so, unlike some of my compatriots, I am not feeling a pull from my biological clock. At least not yet. And I have pretty mixed feelings about marriage - the realist in me in constant opposition to the hopeless romantic in me - so I am not really disappointed to be thirty and without a fiance or husband or a relationship that is likely to lead to that outcome.
On the other hand, it is odd to be turning thirty and be on the brink of being single, without a home of my own, without a job, and with a completely uncertain future.
It is not a disappointment, it is simply not where I thought I'd be at thirty.
The truth is I am a "glass half full" kind of girl. I see my career change as the opportunity of a lifetime. And I'm glad to trade in all the potential financial benefits of a career in the law for the chance to spend my life doing what I love, no matter the income.
In short, you could sum up my place in my life in one of two ways:
1) I am unemployed, my future is uncertain, I am unmarried, a husband and children are not in my near future, I don't have a home of my own, and I have not accomplished any of the things I thought I would accomplish at thirty; or
2) I have learned my lessons the hard way, and use the knowledge I've gained to my advantage. I made a tough choice to give up a career that might have brought me financial success but that brought me little inner happiness. I chose happiness and fulfillment and my dreams over money. I live life on my own terms, and the fact that I am not where I thought I'd be is thrilling, because I'm headed somewhere far better than I could have dreamed.
I choose the latter. Where I thought I'd be has become far less important than where I am, and all the possibility that lies in where I'm headed.
I recently read this very depressing LA Times article that discusses the bleak prospects for those with a PhD, particularly in the humanities. 
The article is titled "Universities are offering doctorates but few jobs." Well, really, in today's economy, who is offering a lot of jobs?
The article discusses the plight of universities and their current hiring processes:
"Many universities are cutting costs by reducing full-time staff and hiring adjunct or part-time professors. The number of full-time faculty members at universities was around 51% in 2007... That leaves many doctoral degree candidates stuck with adjunct work, which can pay as little as $2,000 a semester."
$2,000 a semester? A semester? Are you kidding me? That's nearly what I get in unemployment in one month! I would never be able to pay rent, bills, and student loan debt on that kind of abysmal income.
Those students with degrees in the humanities have the toughest road ahead of them:
"Graduates with humanities doctorates are particular[ly] vulnerable to the downturn in university hiring. In 2008, 86% of humanities doctoral recipients ended up in academia, whereas only 15% of engineering doctoral recipients did.
The number of jobs listed in the Modern Language Assn.'s Job Information List, a clearinghouse for English and foreign literature doctoral students, is down more than 40% over two years, the steepest decline since the association began keeping count."
And the graduates themselves are making personal pleas to prospective graduate school students:
" 'If you're thinking about going to graduate school, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it,' said Erin Williams Hyman. After receiving a doctorate in comparative literature from UCLA in 2005, she looked three years for a job as a professor but was unsuccessful...
Stover, the graduate-turned-poker-player, isn't bitter about switching careers. She said she was sick of the long hours and 'soul-sucking' world of academia. She still has friends who hold low-paying academic jobs who want out.
'In retrospect, doing a PhD was not worth putting in six years of my life, she said. 'But going through that whole process taught me a lot about how to work hard.' "
The funny thing is, these are exactly the things I say about law school! I warn people not to do it, that it's not worth it. And I also say that I learned a lot from the experience, particularly about hard work and accomplishing something.
So maybe it doesn't matter what you study. In today's market, if you're looking for a career, for a secure and well-paying job, higher education is not a guaranteed path to that outcome. In fact, I believe there is no guaranteed path to that outcome. And so I return to my mantra - if there is no guarantee of security and financial success, regardless of the career you choose, then do what you love.
That's what's in it for me. I am going back to grad school to do what I love.
My personal plan of action is to go back to school to become a literature professor. I want, someday, to teach creative writing at a university. So I fall right into the group of people the article discusses, and if present times are any indicator, my competition will be great and my chances of success slim.
How do I cope with the prospect of going back to school in the face of this job market? The answer is all about what's in it for me. Or, rather, what I'm in it for.
I am first going back to school for my MFA. An MFA is a terminal degree, which means it is not intended to be followed up by more schooling. An MFA is supposed to prepare a person for being hired as a professor if that is the career they choose.
But an MFA is also, perhaps more accurately, thought of as an opportunity to write. Given the competitive job market, given that creative writing teaching jobs often go to published and well-known writers, MFA students are encouraged to think of their time in graduate school as two or three years set aside for them to write.
This is how I view my impending time in grad school. Particularly since I plan to attend a school that funds, I look at this as two or three years that I have to write. Hopefully what I write will be good, will get published, will earn me a bit of a name, and will help me get a teaching position. Hopefully my MFA itself will get me a teaching position. But regardless of whether the degree produces the fruit of employment, what's in it for me is two or three years to write, and that itself is invaluable.
At the end of my two or three years of my MFA program I plan, like a groundhog, to poke my head out of my schooling hole and take notice of the weather. If it is a better time in this country, a better time for education, and thereby a better time to find a university professor position, I will put my effort into that. If, on the other hand, things look much like they do now and my prospects of finding a position are slim, then I will head right back into my study hole for my PhD. That will give me another five or more years to become an expert in my field, to be paid to be educated, and to allow the American climate some time to take a turn for the better.
If, after about eight or more years of schooling, the job market still looks bleak at the same time my law school student loans become due, then I'll do what I have to do to succeed. I may apply my expertise in the private sector, I may go back to the law, or, like Elena Stover from the LA Times article, I may become a professional gambler.
The point is that my decisions will not be made out of fear. Fear will not deter me from following my dream. One way or the other I always land on my feet. I am smart and capable and at the end of this road I will be excessively educated. I do not fear failure. I only fear not pursuing my dreams. Read More
The New York Times has done another expose on a person who is subject to excessive student loan debt. In this case the debtor is around $100,000 in debt, which is about a third less than my own student loan debt, and probably about fifty percent less than what my debt will be by the time I'm done deferring it.
Meet Courtney Munna. She is 26 years old, holds an interdisciplinary degree in religious and women's studies, and, despite being a graduate of the prestigious NYU, she states that hers is "an education [she] ... would happily give back."
I believe that when I was an undergrad my tuition cost about $14,000 for my entire two years at UC Santa Cruz. I have a girlfriend whose daughter was just accepted to Columbia, an offer she turned down at a whopping cost of $60,000 per year.
The New York Times article attempts to determine who is to blame for this young woman having a nearly worthless degree (in the words of Avenue Q, "What do you do with a BA in English?"), earning $22 an hour, and student loan debt she can't make payments on given her income.
Is it her mother, who only wanted her daughter to have a great education, who is to blame? Is it the school that encouraged her to take out these loans in order to attend? Or is it the lenders, who granted these loans knowing what Munna was likely to earn with such a degree, and thereby knowing the likelihood that she would be unable to make the loan payments?
Well, of the options given I'd hold the lenders the most responsible. The article repeatedly compares the lenders with the big banks that caused the mortgage crisis, and the parallels are clear.
Truthfully, however, I think the problem is bigger than the lenders. I think the problem is embedded in this country that allows schools to charge such high tuition, unregulated, without tuition being directly related to the likely earning capacity related to a given degree. The problem is that student loan debt cannot be discharged in bankruptcy. The problem is that the American dream comes at a price, and no one is being realistic about what that price is or how a generation as financially screwed as ours is going to pay that price.
My favorite part of the article, however, is the advertisement, built right into the text of the article between "just like the mortgage lenders who didn't ask borrowers to verify their incomes" and "Ms. Munna does not want to walk away from her loans in the same way many mortgage holders are," which states "[Click here to find an online degree program]." Because the answer, clearly, is paying for more education that cannot yield salaries worthy of the associated loans, and of course, incurring more debt to finance the endeavor.
I am a creature of habit. There was once an entire year where I started off every day with a small nonfat chai tea latte from Starbucks, had avocado maki for lunch, had a low-fat omelet with a slice of bread for an afternoon snack, and ate a bowl of tomato soup for dinner. Every day. For a year.
Of course, I was working that year, and that made all the difference.
For me, and others like me, routine is important. Routine ensures you eat breakfast like you're supposed to and that you hit the gym for an hour after work.
Now that I am without a job I am without a routine. It sounds easy to create a routine, and many people do. People who work from home or at coffee shops and function well on a routine find a way to fit a routine into their non-traditional work lives. They get up at the same time every day, eat the same breakfast, hit the same coffee shop for the same number of hours, maybe hit the gym on the way home. They have the determination and willpower necessary to create their own routine amidst all their freedom.
I, on the other hand, tend to give in to the freedom. Despite what time I set my alarm, I manage to sleep in until 10:00 or later. Sometimes I forget to eat breakfast. I haven't been to the gym in a month.
But what is more frustrating for me about my lack of routine is it breeds laziness and apathy. I don't get out of bed early because I don't feel like it. And I find it increasingly difficult to accomplish the tasks I have set for myself. I find reasons to procrastinate instead of studying for the GRE or writing for one of the many blogs I am involved with.
Sometimes my procrastination is productive - I clean or cook instead of sitting down to "work." Sometimes it is not so productive - I check my email compulsively and dick around on facebook, as discussed in a previous post.
At the end of the day I have more hours available to me to be productive than most working people, and yet I use my time less wisely. To me, it appears that this lack of productivity and drive stems from a lack of routine. In fact, when I was working, I was often most productive in my personal projects when dicking around at work.
The truth is, I need a routine. I need a reason that I have to get out of bed early, instead of having a choice about it. I need to know that every day I get up at 9:00, eat breakfast, practice guitar for 10 minutes, blog, study for the GRE, go to the gym, eat lunch, blog, work on my grad school applications, go for a walk, eat dinner, and then have the evening free. For some reason within this structure I find it easier to thrive and to be the healthy productive person I want to be.
Instead, I got out of bed today at 10:00, have eaten spaghetti for two meals and a snack, am writing this on my couch in my robe, and have not set goals for tasks I plan to accomplish today. The truth is I love being unemployed, but I miss having a routine.
I am now writing opinion editorial columns for the op ed syndicate iPinion.
Visit iPinion and click on my picture, or take a look at the site's most recent columns to see what's new!
While you're there check out the columns and photographs by the award winning writers featured along with me!
Sometimes I forget that some people read this blog just to find out the basic details of my life. Sometimes I worry that this blog is becoming This Graduate School Life. Then I remember that this is THIS Unemployed Life for a reason. That this blog is about MY journey through unemployment, and for me, that means I now spend a fair amount of time talking about graduate school.
So today, after literally over a month of reading books about choosing the right Creative Writing MFA Program (yes, there are at least two books dedicated to the subject), studying the websites for the possible programs, and making a spreadsheet (yes, I made a spreadsheet to assist in this decision-making process), I have finally (with the help of my mom) narrowed down my list and chosen the twelve graduate schools that I will apply to.
Here, in no particular order, are the finalists:
Brown (in Providence, RI)
Syracuse University (in upstate New York)
University of Iowa
University of Massachusettes (in Amherst, Mass)
University of Michigan
University of Texas (in Austin)
University of Wisconsin
University of Florida (in Gainesville, FLA)
University of Minnesota
Vanderbilt University (in Nashville, TN)
Louisiana State, and
New York University
Why twelve schools? Well, basically, because one of the books I read said so! The above schools range in acceptance rates from 1.5% to <10%. So if I am lucky I will be accepted to one. If I am truly blessed, I will be accepted to more than one and will have the luxury of choosing between them.
With such low acceptance rates and incoming classes of poets ranging from 5 poets/year to 28 poets/year, it is important that I apply to several schools to give myself a better chance of being accepted. At the same time, with application fees ranging from $40-$75 per school, not to mention having to write separate statements of purpose for each school, I can't afford to apply to all twenty-three schools that made my original list.
So how did I chose these schools? And if I had the luxury of choice, why did I narrow the list down to include places like Iowa and Wisconsin?
I'll address the second question first, because I get that one A LOT. The answer is: Most of the schools that fund are in places people would not otherwise want to live. The list I narrowed from included more mid-western and southern schools, not a bunch of schools in California and New York.
My list was first narrowed by funding - I only considered schools that completely fund and provide some sort of stipend so I will have no student loan debts (above and beyond my $130,000 in law school debt) and will essentially make school my career, basically paying me to go to school. (NYU is the one exception to this - I can only attend this school if I am accepted AND given one of a very few selective fellowships, but living and learning in Greenwich Village is my dream, so I have to at least see if I can make it come true.)
Of the schools that fund I narrowed further based on location, program reputation, and the information I liked (or didn't like) on the program's website.
For location I first considered places I'd actually like to live (Austin & Manhattan), followed by places I could tolerate living in for various reasons (Ann Arbor, Providence, Amherst), and after that I just accepted that I might be very cold while in graduate school, so I'd better find myself in a program that I'll love enough to make it worthwhile.
Finally I used the schools' websites to decide what programs sounded up my alley. Which schools have three year programs as opposed to two year programs (three year programs produce better work from students)? Which schools would only have me teaching one course per semester so I could focus mostly on writing? Which schools had me teaching courses in creative writing as opposed to composition? Which schools had literary journals I could work on, active literary communities, websites that sounded welcoming, and produced students who were published or hired in tenure-track professor positions?
Finally, when many of the "maybe" schools had pros in some columns and cons in others, I went back again to location. Which schools were nearer to the ocean or were in cities that sounded more tolerable than others? I ended up cutting out both schools in Indiana, even though one school had a lot of pros, because when my father first settled in this country it was in Indiana, and the family forced the patriarch to get them the hell out of dodge, and stat.
In the end here is what is most important: If I am lucky, I will get into one of these schools. Which means I have to narrow down my application list so that I will be happy no matter which school accepts me. Of course I have my personal favorites, but I'm not getting my hopes up. It's in fate's hand now, so let's hope I gave fate a good lot to choose from.
I want to start by confessing that I spend A LOT of time on the internet. Much of it is productive. I read MFA websites as I narrow down the list of programs I plan to apply to. I study online for the GRE. I blog here, I edit the Saturday Poetry Series on As It Ought To Be, I write for the recently launched opinion editorial syndicate iPinion, and I occasionally find the time to do a little work on my poetry project blog.
Finding the time for all of those activities is hard enough. But really, I've got ten-to-twelve good hours in the day to work, and I'm lucky if I actually work for a solid four or five. And this was the case when I was employed full-time in a 40-hour-per-week job.
So where does the time go? I believe the answer is that the internet is the biggest time-sucker on the planet. Aside from the actual work I do, all I do on the internet is check my email and facebook. Yet I can easily hop on the internet to do those two things and find myself down the road an hour (or more!) with nothing to show for my time.
My girlfriend and I were talking last night and she confessed she routinely checks Dlisted to procrastinate from work. In the time she's spent at Dlisted she easily could have done the task she was putting off twice!
We ALL do it. This is why many companies block access to sites like facebook from company computers. But not all do. And those of us who work from home don't have that imposed restraint.
If you find the internet sucking the productivity right out of you, if you're like many of us and simply can't help yourself, there is a product called Freedom that will block the internet on your computer for you for up to eight hours. You tell the program when to block the internet and how long to block it for, and it shall set you free.
The internet sucks the time out of life. No question. It is the single-biggest reason I am not as productive as I want to be. But there is far more going on in This Unemployed Life than just dicking around on the net.
While I am writing this I am procrastinating from some notes I should be making regarding poetry publishing. I have two GRE study guides sitting next to me that are overdue and need to be returned to the library today, unread. Later tonight my GRE study group is meeting at my apartment.
I have to drive across town today to deposit my unemployment check. I can't simply take it to the local ATM because I moved my money from the bastards at BofA, chose a bank based on its merits, and now I can't deposit money without a 40-minute round-trip drive. And don't think for one second that the good people of EDD would be so kind as to provide direct deposit to its poor recipients.
On a good week the gym eats up an hour or two a day. Luckily I've injured my shoulder and am on a break from the gym this week, freeing up a little time. Starting next week I'm in a memoir writing class that will eat up my Thursday nights. Every other Monday I have guitar lessons. I am volunteering to help mediate a friend's custody situation including writing up the final agreement between the parents.
This weekend I have three different sets of social plans on Saturday alone. Today I had to turn down an offer to give a reading for the UC Berkeley Extension because it conflicted with Bay to Breakers. One weekend in June I have a bachelor party, two weddings, and a book club all in the span of one weekend.
Somewhere in there I have to register, study for, and pass the GRE with flying colors. I have to choose and polish a selection of my best poems for grad school writing samples. I have to write individualized personal statements for the applications to twelve separate graduate schools. I have to try to get some work published to bolster my literary CV. All this while continuing my weekly contributions to the aforementioned blogs and syndicates.
The truth is, I am writing this entry in my robe. I am still in the clothes I woke up in. I haven't even considered taking a shower yet today. If my stomach didn't grumble I wouldn't even find the time to eat.
People assume that because I am unemployed I have a lot of free time. The truth is, I can't remember the last time I had this many things on my plate. The struggle is how to balance it all, where do your priorities lie. If you can sort that out and master the art of effectively managing your time then you must not be on facebook.
